dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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