Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
