@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I touched a dick in church today
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
