Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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