the condom got lost in my hair
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
