why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
