she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
