my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
