you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
