Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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