My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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