we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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