sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sext me about skeletons
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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