The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
