I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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