are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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