god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
