it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
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"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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