is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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