Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
