Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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