FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
