what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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