I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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