Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
