Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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