he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
