Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Randomize
