His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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