I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
