Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
