after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
