You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
