Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
