I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
