I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
