Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
