Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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