Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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