When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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