i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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