You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
