i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
