WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
