OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
