I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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