I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased