I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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