You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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