Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
