Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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