Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
