Your face is a jimmy john
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
