I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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