I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
