Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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