Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
