My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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