what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize