jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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