I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
