well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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