dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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